Do You Have a Wholesome Emotional Relationship With Cash?

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In today’s column we chat with you Lindsay Bryan-Podvin, LMSW, financial therapist and author of The Financial Anxiety Solution, on how to determine if you have a healthy emotional relationship with money – and what to do when you don’t.

What are some signs that a person has a healthy emotional relationship with money?

A person who has a healthy relationship with money understands the ins and outs of their personal finances and understands that mistakes happen. They like to talk about money and ask questions when they don’t understand something financially.

Continue reading: 3 alarming reasons women are lagging men in terms of their finances
Find out: 4 important tips for mothers returning to work

What are some signs that a person is not having a healthy emotional relationship with money?

You could avoid looking for money not to negotiate pay increases, over-spend, or spend recklessly.

If someone does not have a healthy relationship with money, what steps can you take to improve it?

1) Identify your current relationship with money. If you are unsure, I recommend that you write down your thoughts and feelings as you interact with money or financial tasks. Remember: watching your paycheck come in on your bank account, handing over your credit card when you get your car repaired, or listening to a story about the stock market on the radio. Knowing where you are now can help you find where you want to be.

The story goes on

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2) Identify your version of a healthy relationship with money. Most of my clients say they want a relationship with money that feels simple, that gives them confidence and peace of mind. These words may or may not resonate with you! You decide what a healthy relationship with money looks like.

3) List your unhealthy financial thoughts or practices. For example, “I’m not paying my credit card bills” or “I’ll wait until April 14th to file taxes.”

See: The Biggest Money Mistakes Women Make in Relationships
Read: 2 main ways the student debt burden deprives women of their freedom

4) Decide what sound financial thoughts or practices to adopt. I’m not here to tell you what to do or not to do with your money. You are the expert on how you want your relationship with money to be.

Here are a few questions to get you started: Does checking your bank account weekly feel like a healthy financial habit? How about starting your day with a mantra like “I am confident enough to understand money”?

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5) Create a roadmap to implement changes. Reverse engineering from your current location to your desired destination. Create small, manageable steps to get there and practice in a cadence that works for you, be it daily, weekly, or monthly.

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This article originally appeared on Do you have a healthy emotional relationship with money?

She Stated, He Stated: Dad and mom pushing prenups and speaking cash along with your honey will be relationship stressor

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My boyfriend and I recently got engaged. We never really talked about finance and kept almost everything money-related separate. We share the cost of living even when we eat out. After the engagement, he told me that his parents insisted that I sign a prenuptial agreement as they seem to have a lot of fortune and so did he, unknown to me. He insists that he trusts me enough to marry me without a prenup and that everything his parents do. I’m a bit overwhelmed by the whole thing. It’s not that I’m against signing, I’m just not sure what it means and how it will affect our relationship.


Prenup fear

Dear PA,

Lori and Jeff: There are actually three key themes in your question: how you should feel about getting married, your lack of communication about finances, and the blurred lines between your fiancé and his or her parents.

Lori: Marriages Are Increasingly Used in the US Millennials get married later in life after they have had time to amass some savings. In addition, many have divorced parents and are very conscious of the possibility of their marriage ending. Marriage advocates tend to separate the emotions of marriage from the business aspects of living together. They just see marriages as convenient. And yet I understand how being presented with one can sting. We want to believe that when we get married we will become a team of generosity and equality that will last forever. Marriage can emphasize “mine and yours” over “ours,” and when “yours” is significantly smaller, you may begin to hold grudges. If the marriage is going nowhere, changing your perspective can help. Instead of feeling it against you, remember that this man you love has what is rightfully his own.

Getting married can also be a great opportunity to find out how you deal with money as a couple. Before signing, make sure you have a common vision of finances over the long term. Take the time to sit together and explore:

• What feelings, fears and stories are associated with your handling of money?

• What are your current financial situations (savings, debts, spending patterns, goals)?

• What are your expectations of how each of you will contribute? What happens if a partner loses their job or falls ill? What if you decide to have children? Will either of you stay at home for a while and if so, how will this contribution be recognized financially?

• If you support your husband in his work, how will this be reflected in the event of a divorce?

• How are decisions about spending and saving made?

• What common goals would you like to plan (home, retirement, children, vacation, car)?

Jeff: One of the most significant dynamics we’ve found in our work with premarital couples is how their parents’ views and perspectives can affect the relationship. This is particularly clear when it comes to finance. Parents often throw in their opinions (both openly and passively-aggressive) and want what is best for their children. But when these preferences create conflict in the relationship, it is time to set stronger, healthier boundaries. The challenge is that it can feel like we are choosing between our parents and our partners, and our loyalty is often absolutely required. Your fiancé may feel trapped in this type of scenario of trying to please you, but also feeling pressure from his parents to grant her wishes.

With his situation in mind, there are some difficult questions you need to ask about your perception of his request. Do you feel like the two of you are on the same team, or does it feel like he’s on his parents’ side on issues related to money and financial planning? Do you feel like a priority and believe that he would be ready to challenge his parents to stand up for you and the relationship?

Jeff and Lori: Money is one of the top relationship killers and tends to get more deadly in silence. Now is the time to start thinking about what is getting in the way of talking about money and what each of you must do to have transparent conversations about how to proceed.

Lori and Jeff are married, licensed psychotherapists and couple-to-couple coaches at the Aspen Relationship Institute. Submit your relationship questions to and your query can be selected for a future column.

Love and cash: How your relationship along with your partner and your funds are related

Weddings and marriages are in the foreground for me nowadays.

A few weeks ago my niece got married and in another two months my nephew will get married too. Both weddings had been postponed due to the pandemic from the previous year. Another nephew has just sent me an appointment for next spring.

Celebrating love and family feels like this right now. I bet you feel the same way.

Wedding parties make me smile. They make me hopeful and, well, grateful too.

I believe in the combined strengths of two who tackle this world together. At my niece’s wedding on a beautiful New Jersey beach, my husband and I were asked to give a reading and we chose the lyrics from a song by Bruce Springsteen. “If I should fall behind. “

On July 4th, my husband and I celebrated our 29th wedding anniversary. And my sister and her husband will be 40 years old at the end of June.

Read: Is The Bucket Strategy Superior To The 4% Rule?

Couples and money

However, these joyful events, magical as they are, remind me of the critical role money and financial communications play in the lasting strength of a marriage over the decades – which is at its core a business relationship.

I know it’s unromantic, but it’s true. And as a personal finance writer, I can’t help it.

This week, Fidelity Investments released the results of its latest Couples & Money Interviewed 1,713 couples (3,426 people) conducted between March 25 and April 22, 2021. Respondents were required to be at least 25 years of age, married or in a permanent partnership and with their partner and have a minimum household income of USD 75,000 or more At least $ 100,000 in investable assets.

Read: Retirement Provision? You should also budget for inflation

Here’s the scuttlebutt. Many couples, 1 in 5, say that money is their biggest challenge in the relationship. That sounds about right.

The average retirement age of those already retired is 60.5 years, while the average expected age of those not yet retired is 62.5 years. However, almost half (48%) of all couples surveyed disagree on the actual retirement age.

More than half disagree about how much money they need to meet their retirement goals, but nearly 77% envision a comfortable retirement.

And although 7 out of 10 (71%) of the partners stated that they communicate at least very well with the other half, almost 4 out of 10 (39%) of the respondents could not correctly see how much their partner earns for a salary. About 6 in 10 (61%) couples say they talk about their finances at least monthly, a number that’s down astonishingly from 2018 (65%).

As for their ideal retirement, the majority, 6 in 10 of all couples, plan to stay in their own state after they retire, a trend that has been increasing since 2015. Hmm … so much for my column thinking about moving into retirement?

See: Don’t know where to live in retirement? Here are a few ideas

In retirement, spending time with family and friends is the top priority, followed by relaxation and tranquility at home. That is in line with some of the results I wrote about in this column who examined a new study, The Four Pillars of the New Retirement: What a Difference a Year Makes, conducted by Edward Jones, the major investment and financial services advisory firm, in partnership with Age Wave, a think tank and consulting firm.

As I read through the survey, I was reminded of some of the advice I often give to newlywed couples and, of course, my niece and nephew.

Read: Retired but Ready to Return to Part-Time? How to find the right appearance

If possible, first spend your money on joint ventures, be it on trips, to a concert, to a play or to a wonderful restaurant. Creating and collecting shared memories lasts a lifetime. The intangible value multiplies over the years.

Now for one of my favorite pieces of advice, and perhaps the most difficult one for couples. Have routine money conversations about your big picture, your current snapshot, upcoming expenses, dreams you have that may result in a cash outlay.

And take the time at least once a year to meet with a financial planner who will take a holistic view of your accounts and help with realigning and considering possible new investments.

It’s hard to do this without that third party, trust me. It takes discipline. You and your spouse may be on the right track here, but I have found it thought provoking to sit down with our planner / advisor and reassure us that we are fine.

Teamwork is dream work

After all, a successful marriage depends on teamwork.

Money is power. For example, if one person bears the financial weight to pay the mortgage and other fixed bills, the one paying the bills may feel unspoken resentment and the other may feel lurking guilt. Try to talk about these feelings as they arise.

“This study clearly shows that couples who work as a team to build strong financial futures are better equipped to handle whatever life has to offer,” said Stacey Watson, senior vice president of life event planning at Fidelity . “That is why it is so important for newly married couples to be openly involved in discussions about money right from the start.”

“Take some time to work together to make sure you have discussed important financial issues as a couple and make sure that you both have a strong understanding of where you are financially and what remains to be achieved,” added Watson . “Those who learn early on to communicate well about finances will likely be rewarded for their efforts in the years to come.”

As Springsteen wrote: Now everyone dreams of lasting and true love

Oh but you and I know what this world can do

So let’s make our steps clear so that others can see

And I’ll wait for you, and if I should fall back, wait for me. “

Kerry Hannon is an expert and strategist in work and career, entrepreneurship, personal finance and retirement. Kerry is the author of more than a dozen books, including Great Pajama Jobs: Your Complete Guide to Working From Home

Cara Delevingne’s relationship suffered a blockade | Leisure Information

Cara Delevingne admitted that the blockade was “the toughest time” for her relationship with Ashley Benson.

The 28-year-old model and actress split from the “Pretty Little Liars” star in the spring of 2020, and she wasn’t drawn to the details of their split, but said a strict coronavirus quarantine had played a role. Proposed at the end of their romance.

She said, “It was the most difficult time. [The kind that] Really do or really break. “

And since Kara has no choice but to face her feelings, she doesn’t know whether it is good or bad to deal with the aftermath of sharing the block.

She told a new issue of Cosmopolitan magazine in the United States:[It] I started to deal with it more, it was harder or better. I dont know. Everything expands in a pandemic. “

The “Carnival Row” actress spent a lot of time alone last year and believes she is better now.

“It took a lot longer than I expected, but I think I understood my true happiness better than ever,” he said.

Kara isn’t sure if “institutional” marriage is the path she wants to achieve, but she likes the idea of ​​long-term relationships and wants “100 percent” to have a child. I am.

The “Suicide Squad” star remains friends with all of her previous partners, including Ashley, and wants to be “the best” for her future.

She says, “I don’t feel like I’m out of a relationship like, ‘I don’t want to talk to this person again,'” she says. “I love all the people I’ve been with and want what’s best for them, you know what I mean? I want to see her grow, I want to see her happy. “

Cara Delevingne’s relationship has stalled | Entertainment news

Source link Cara Delevingne’s relationship has stalled | Entertainment news

Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos reveal ‘old school’ relationship | Leisure

Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos have an “old-fashioned” marriage.

The couple, who have been married for 25 years and have children Michael (23), Lola (19) and Joaquin (18) together, may be “politically progressive”, but behind closed doors they take on “traditional” roles in their household.

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Is Your ‘Attachment Fashion’ Inflicting Your Relationship Issues?

The way we were raised affects our ability to maintain healthy relationships. This particular can of worms is addressed in all kinds of self-help and mental health practices, but what you’ve probably heard most of lately is something called “attachment theory.”

Attachment theory is not new, but has gained attention in recent years to analyze and define relationships. in the a column For the Washington Post solo series, writer Jenna Birch says she recently looked at the book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love after a failed relationship and it has done wonders in the way she thinks about dating.

Authors Amir Levine and Rachel Heller based their book on the idea that all infants are born with an innate desire to bond with someone, and how that desire is supported or thwarted by our parents helps determine how we try ( or avoid) becoming attached to other adults. It’s clear why these theories are popular: because they can make a test that will tell you about you.

Attached assumes four main categories of attachment outcomes. The idea is that whoever you fall into could help explain how you approach close relationships. The investment styles are structured as follows:

  • To back up: Fortunately, safe people should make up around 50 percent of the population. If they didn’t, humanity could end. Generally speaking, if you’re safe, it suggests that you’ve had responsive caregivers who made the breakup seem less scary. These people don’t avoid intimacy and are less concerned about relationships, probably because they haven’t had as many bad experiences with them. Happy.
  • Scared: According to Affiliated, anxious people make up about 20 percent of the population. Fearful people are very comfortable with intimacy – so comfortable in fact that when you pull away to reach for the remote, they’ll basically sit on your lap wondering if you’ve fallen in love with them. They need a lot of security because they likely had caregivers who were unable to meet their needs. They are also extremely sensitive and overconscious when problems arise.
  • Avoidance: Avoidant people reportedly respond to a “freestanding caregiver” who becomes incredibly independent and generally uncomfortable with intimacy. Enclosed says they make up roughly 25 percent of the population and you dated them all in college.
  • “Disorganized”: Sometimes referred to as “fearful” or “fearful and avoidant,” about five percent of the population is said to have some kind of exciting mix of attachment styles. A real roller coaster of love.

Limitations of Attachment Theory

There is a lot of criticism of attachment theory as four categories hardly seem enough to cover all of humanity’s many weaknesses. In 2016, psychologist and sex therapist Michael Aaron wrote For psychology today, this attachment theory is too simple:

… Attachment theory seems to have assumed that attachment is a kind of monolithic relational mind map that applies globally, but recent research shows that individuals can be attached to different people in different ways. Indeed, the child may have a secure bond with his mother, but an avoidant bond with his father and a fearful bond with an aunt, etc.

He also suggests that the theory be used to induce people to conform to a certain idea of ​​”normal” relationships, saying that it imposes “arbitrary, moralistic societal standards for relational and sexual desires”.

It’s an interesting point: for example, is the only kind of healthy relationship monogamous? Is there something wrong with you if you don’t want to settle down the “normal” way? Attachment theory seems to imply that there is one single way we should all try and if we don’t, it is more due to a flaw in our upbringing than to being more open about love and relationships.

What to say to an angry person instead of calming down?

Anger is an ironic state, and in a fit of frustration or anger, the last thing you want to say to someone is to “calm down”. If someone is seething, this is the worst advice, even if it is the only thing they have to do to process things more clearly.

Continue reading

How attachment theory can help

Still, having a basic idea of ​​your tendencies could be a potentially helpful guide, even if you don’t like where you fall on the axis of attachment. First, most people are a mix of different behaviors, and you should try not to view any of the categories as inherently negative. For example, an anxious person may be more sensitive to problems early on and therefore address them. An avoidant may be good at finding a way out of difficult problems and will not be too demanding. What really matters is what type of person your particular traits work best with.

Realizing she was a fearful person, Birch realized that she needed to be with someone who was safe and who didn’t respond to her need for affection with more distance or disdain. While two people can date each other with insecurities, sometimes it can be safer to be in a relationship with a safe person because you are practicing being with someone who is more reliable. Even if it doesn’t work out, these are lessons you will have learned for your next relationship.

Journalist and author of The Attachment Effect: Exploring the Powerful Paths Our earliest attachment shapes our relationships and our livesPeter Lovenheim also told Birch that figuring out this material might clarify why certain relationships didn’t work out and others:

Learning your attachment style can be empowering. It’s hard when you go through life anxiously and don’t know it. For example, you will not understand the conflicts and frustrations in your relationships. When you learn attachment, you may think, “Oh, that’s my style of attachment,” when something triggers you. You may even think, “I don’t have to react like this” and change your behavior.

Basically, Lovenheim and the attachment theory movement still seem to encourage people to think about their behavior and what they can change, regardless of what happened in the past.

This story was originally published in August 2018 and was updated on February 26, 2021 to be in line with Lifehacker style guidelines.